I don’t think everything happens for a reason. What I do believe in is cause and effect. Perhaps that is what’s meant by there’s a reason for everything, because if you are committed to consciousness, you will look for reason, you will try to find out what is causing the whirlpool of excruciating feelings that you just can’t shake. Bottom line is you wouldn’t even begin the journey if you didn’t feel so crazy. When I first started living in the light lane, some 40 years ago, I’d just rise above, say everything happens for a reason, and wait for that reason to show itself. What I can tell you now is this: I’ve never known a reason to show itself. I had to go looking, which is how I fell in love with the poignant dark of me.
I’m thinking about butterflies, cocoons, and transformation. I don’t think a caterpillar decides to become a butterfly; it’s just what she does. One day the caterpillar, let’s call her Betty, stops eating, hangs upside down from an interesting twig or a fabulously green leaf, and either spins a cocoon or molts into a shiny chrysalis. She then digests her self. Yes, Betty literally transforms herself into a butterfly by eating what she once was, and of course there are all sorts of enzymes and hormones involved, but the point is Betty is creating a new self by eating and digesting her old pieces.
I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, probably the inevitability of transformation and the fact that we are so programmed not to transform, but to maintain a familial status quo, an invalidating paradigm against which we judge ourselves, that has virtually nothing to do with evolving and becoming, and everything to do with social control and a power over construct that robs people of their power, self-love, and their ability to change the story. Every toxic emotional loop is rooted in an inability to change your story and if we cannot change our own story, we cannot possible change the worlds. More often than not, I think that's the point. I think there's this vast conspiracy dedicated to keeping human beings from knowing who and what they are, and what they can be, so that the "powers that be," can do what they want, how they want, when they want.
The truth is we can change our story (and then the world’s) because like Betty the butterfly we contain all the pieces to do just that. You can't change what's happened to you, no one can, but you can love the resulting, shamed pieces in yourself; you can reclaim and transform them. (Anyone who says this is an easy process, may their heads explode now.) You must be willing though, to try something other than beating yourself to a pulp; to love in you what you've been taught and told isn't lovable; to leave the constant, monotonous pain of the old behind, even though it means stepping out of your comfort zone. At some time in our lives, we all trade pieces of self for survival, because the ends were worth it, but there comes a point when it's not. There comes a point when you end up feeling like a worm on hook, not liking and blaming yourself for what you've become and how you feel. Trust me when I tell you, you're blaming the wrong person, and yes, healing does involve blame, what I call holding responsible, and yes, you get through that phase, and ugly as it is, it's not a phase that can be skipped.
To refuse to compare our insides to other peoples outsides takes the power away from the emotional toxic loop and gets you out from under whatever has you coming up painfully lacking in your own eyes. This transformation is inevitable for the woman who takes just one small step to loving herself; when she simply refuses to be controlled to her detriment, by whatever or whoever is controlling her. That, my darlings, is the beginning of the heroine's journey. Taking your power back is the beginning of the heroine's journey; coming to understand how right use of power in your life is love made visible is the theme.
Live loud, love fierce, and suffer no fools. Katherine Manaan
writings for the soul....writings from the journey...writings for whole being...experience, strength, and hope..of love, by love, for love.